Butterflies are feet...

What do you see when you look at this fine piece of art?

Those are my feet.

I made this art project in 4th grade, and for some reason my mother kept it. It must have been the best thing I ever made in school. I found it in a stack of old photos. I guess there weren't enough real pictures of my feet so mom threw in an artistic version. They look exactly the same now except I would need a large sheet of butcher paper to make a butterfly out of them today. I have always had big feet. In 5th grade all the girls were comparing shoe size as if it were going to determine their breast size some day and I always came out the winner. In 5th grade my feet grew to their full adult size. At lunch one day, some of the girls in my class ran out on the blacktop to find a few brave boys to compare my feet with to see if any of them could even begin to measure up to my gun boats. I won hands down that day and every day till the end of grammar school. I took to standing outside the classroom at recess with one foot extended and my arms crossed with an - I've seen it all - attitude while every kid in the school lined up to measure their foot with mine. Many left crying.

I wear a size 11 shoe.

Paris Hilton wears a size 11 shoe.

That's about all we have in common.

My oldest sister wears Barbie shoes.

She is a mutant.

My mother wore elf shoes on the day of her wedding.

My other sister still wears her first baby booties, and my brother and his G.I. Joe doll shared the same shoes. My own father was called, "Stands on Pygmy Shrew Feet". He used to put my shoes on and stomp around the house asking for directions to the circus. Whenever S.O.P.S.F. (that's what we called our Dad) would take me shoe shopping, he would tell the salesperson to forget looking for a shoe that fit me and just bring out a shoe box with a lace tied around it. That joke never got old...for him.


I read somewhere that your feet and ears never stop growing. Great...I think I'll head down to Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood and stand around dressed as Gollum from Lord of the Rings. All I need to do is shave my head and hunch my back and I'll look just like him. My feet and ears are already perfect. Everyone will want to take their picture with me and put their foot next to mine.

And when someone asks me for an autograph I'll write, Big Foot Twinkle Toes Sasquatch