Oct 1, 2008

Waiting for the Queen. . .

Every Saturday at our house was house cleaning and yard duty day. My mom - the Drill Sergeant- would give us all a list of things to do inside the house and when we were finished we were supposed to go outside and help our father in the yard.

I didn't like doing either. I thought I had been born into the wrong family and was Royalty. I waited years for the Queen of England or any titled person to come and get me out of my suburban neighborhood. The Queen must have lost the directions I sent to Buckingham Palace. I told my mother I couldn't have dishpan hands when they came to get me. I had to be presentable and would rather practice taking tea and eating crumpets on Saturdays. Instead I had to wipe the coffee cake crumbs off the table and throw away the Lipton Tea bags resting in the saucers.

My house jobs consisted of cleaning my room - and cleaning my room - and cleaning my room. Then after I cleaned my room - and if it wasn't Sunday already - I was supposed to empty all the trash cans in the house and put away all the canned goods in the pantry. One time I took all the labels off the canned goods. I thought it would be fun to guess which can was Campbell's Mushroom Soup and which can was Hormel Chili. We ate some strange combinations for a while after that. I always pretended to love the mystery meals, but I never took the labels off again. Especially after we had sardines, canned asparagus spears and waffles for dinner one night. Not everything tastes good on a waffle. I know that to be a fact. Trust me on that one.

One particular Saturday I rushed through cleaning my room which meant that I threw everything into the closet and slammed the door shut. I promised one of my sister's all of my allowance if she would take care of the rest. I took out all the trash and tossed the canned goods in the cupboard faster than a grocery store clerk could do it. Then I went back to my room to check on my sister to make sure she wasn't slacking off and to order her around because it was fun. I was showing my royal side to her. I also needed to get dressed to go outside and help my dad. I put on my best party dress which happened to be a granny gown with an appliqued rooster on the chest and some patent leather Mary Jane's and my best white frilly dress socks. I added some short white gloves, glanced in the mirror with approval and pranced outside. I sat on a large rock with my hands folded in my lap and watched as my dad sweat buckets while he raked the leaves in the yard. He glanced up after a few short minutes, wiped the sweat from his eyes and said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I answered, "Waiting for the Queen." My dad stared at me for a moment and said, "Good. We could use some more help around here. Let me know when she gets here and in the meantime make yourself useful and go get me a beer."

. . . the end.

7 comments:

Cathy said...

Great story.. I giggled the whole way through..

Okay let me take a little bit of the moron out of you. I still have tons left so I will never get rid of this title. Anywho- When you want to highlight say my site you type Cathy-As the World Flops or whatever it is. Highlight all of the this and change the font, bold, color now. While it's still highlighted click on the the little world with a chain wrapped around it. This thing up by the font color on the top of the page. Click on that and fill in the website address I think it comes with http:// so add www.swohiolife.blogspot.com and click ok. There ya go. I'm here to help a fellow moron anytime. lol I hope it works.

You can be tagged too if ya want to play. I just picked 7. I know of a few that probably won't do it.

Kat said...

I always wished I was adopted. I was sure that there was royalty in my blood. And that I was not made for housework. Or chores of any kind. And even today, I tell everyone that I am a princess because I don't do any housework. Except cooking. But that is fun :-)

My dad and his brother got into trouble for doing the same things to cans. And one year, they did it to Christmas presents (took off all the tags).

rudi bega said...

Shouldn't you be cleaning your room right now?

Swirl Girl said...

This explains a lot...not only about you but about me.

I was the dishmaid as a kid. Started wearting rubber gloves at about age 7 - Nobody loads a dishwasher like me...nobody.

Surely I was adopted (from the night shift at Waffle House ).

buffalodick said...

Funny stuff! I always told people If you know anyone with the same last name as me, and they are rich or famous- I'm not related!

Teri said...

OMG, that is a riot. Sounds like how my kids act now when I announce that it's time to "help around the house." Man, I love to do that to them.

Candid Carrie said...

I am the queen ... of nigeria.

I've been looking for you. I am very wealthy but unable to access my fortune since the death of my husband, the Reverend Doctor Honorable King.

If you could please forward a check to me in the amount of ten thousand american dollars I will then forward a check to your for twenty thousand nigerian dollars.

Please trust your faith and answer my request for assistance. Our shared god will grant your many dreams.